Dr. Charles W. Ferguson

Being on the brink of many transitions can produce a myriad of feelings that we do not always enjoy. Most of us desire to have one course of action that will lay out the journey of our day. Never being to high or low is usually the most desire emotional journey people seek. Yet, that hope is not always obtained. We live in a world that constantly challenges us to face the ebb and flow of life’s changes. We are faced with navigating the emotional, mental, and spiritual gymnastics that impact our living. This truth is more evident today than days gone by.

I have asked myself is it possible to be bombarded by so much dirty rhetoric without being affected. The answer is no. Every negative action or thought has a reaction. The only thing that can be determined is how we respond to it. The response….the reaction of the soul and emotions. The activities and words of others can produce a reaction that many people are not prepared to receive.

Consider for a moment the most recent wave of threats spread throughout the political spectrum. Many people will point toward the many tirades of the current occupant at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. While I do agree with the sentiment, I have learned that you can not dismiss what seeds were already planted in the hearts of people.

People did not suddenly become racist. People did not suddenly become bigoted. Many people have been holding on to the negative feelings for several years. For some people, the fear of being outed in these negative lights has dissipated. The current tone that has been set has embolden individuals to risk many personal freedoms in order to perpetuate a destructive message of supremacy and bondage.

This reactionary climate has brought me to my knees to ask the question–Where do we go from here? Is it the ballot box alone? Is it public and private improvement in civility? Is it accountability? Is it common sense? Yes.

We have to move from the tech side of human affairs to come back to human affairs. I am convinced that people have moved so far away from recognizing the uniqueness of all people that we no longer attempt to find common ground. People have become so inundated with information that we have lost the ability to examine the true realities of the human existence. People have more hiding places. Individuals lack conflict resolution skills. People are now extremely tone deaf with perfect pitch for calamity and confusion. This path is not the one that will deliver us. We must rediscover who we are and whose we are.

My pastor, Dr. Charles E. Booth, had a time in worship that was known as Moments with the Youth. Every Sunday morning, he made it a point to give us more than practical application of scripture for our lives. He made it a mission for us young African American boys and girls to be in touch with the divinity of our existence and the sanctity of our history and heritage. It was those Sunday engagements that subconsciously incited my desire to learn about history in full context.

We were challenged to learn more than a watered down version of events from the perspective of narrative controllers. We were challenged to have greater sense of self. I hear his booming voice in my head as I type this piece. (Mount Olivet youth will remember….)

Pastor: Who are you?!?

Youth: We are God’s children

Pastor: Who are you?!?

Youth: We beautiful African American children

Pastor: Young ladies, who are you? 

Young Ladies: I am a beautiful African American princess! 

Pastor: Young men, who are you?

Young Men: I am a beautiful African American prince!

The affirmation that we come from more than perceived stereotypes has lived with me all these years later. It is the same type of affirmation that I have instilled in my son. I no longer have to have him repeat after me. He looks me square in the eye and says, I am a strong black boy. I am a smart black boy. My son may live in a world that will attempt to say that he is less than. However, he will never lack the internal resolve of knowing that his life and destiny is beneath no one.

In the same manner, we must resolve to bring people back to a place of seeing that value that God has placed within their being. Not just feeding egos. We must find constructive ways to uplift those who have found themselves maligned, disenfranchised, and disregarded.

We can no longer continue in the constant back and forth that leads us to nowhere. We must find the deeper, valuable aspects of people and draw the best out of them. Even when individuals have made the conscious decision to lock up their God-given value behind walls of hatred and destruction, we must continue to strive toward empowering others to continue to pursue the best in all created in the Imago Dei. 

We must use every tool accessible to us to make it know that the existence of people matter to God and each other. We must remove the walls that people hide behind to see what it is that we are truly up against. We must remember that the battles are fought in the flesh, but they have commenced in the spiritual realm long ago.

So if you are going to react in a manner to bring about liberation, empowerment, and civility, do the following things:

1. Pray
2. Live
3. Advocate
4. Vote
5. (If you don’t vote) Change the system
6. Stop theorizing and act
7. Use your platform to move forward
8. Get out of the pit of overthinking
9. Love people
10. Love God
11. See the bigger picture
12. Fight injustice
13. Connect to your history
14. Change history
15. Live in the now
16. Prepare for the future
17. Stop complaining about what you have the power to control
18. Act positively
19. Reject negativity
20.  Do justice
21. Love kindness
22. Live in humility

Peace…..

It’s been a long time…shouldn’t have left you without a dope beat…oh my bad! I realize I haven’t posted for a while. Life has a way of making you decide what is most important. God has been granting me the opportunity to refocus and renew. However, I must admit that another major reason for withdrawal is all the constant bombarding of the same old news.

I realize that people are up in arms about every moved made in government. I understand the necessity for the people of God to live prophetically in this unusual moment that has been presented before us. Bigotry is being played before us with no shame as in the days of the 1960’s. We feel all of the injustice all around us. However, I have one great concern that is eating at me just as much as the many issues before us–the denial of our uniqueness.

As a black man in the United States, I find it difficult to feel good about individuals attempting to dictate how a person ought to recognize their unique nature in the midst of an assumed melting pot of diversity. The deeper issue for me is how people have decided to deny their blackness in the name of fitting an incomplete theological narrative. (I warn you all in advance of my potentially assumed rant)

I am a pastor and leader in the Christian faith tradition. I recognize that many elements and branches of the faith have produced ideas that do not remotely associate with the teachings of Christ. Furthermore, many people have taken Scripture and attempted to bend truth into rhetoric designed to produce harm. Criticism and critique of execution of the Gospel from this perspective is necessary and should be engaged in order to produce a group clergy practitioners that are not lazy in the delivery and living of the Gospel.

However, I will not stand for individuals within the faith who are of African decent to continue to dismiss the power of what God place within them. I am as proud today as I have ever been to be black. I thank God that I was created in the part of the Imago Dei that produced the darker melanin that people see. Why? History teaches me that people that look like me created institutions of higher learning. I come from a people that literally used God given creativity to forge movement for equality and equity. Denying those elements suggest that God was incomplete in the work of those in the African diaspora.

To take it a step further, I must reference at least one place in Scripture that provides aide for moments that people deny my uniqueness. When Jesus is on his way to Calvary, a man was pulled out of the crowd to assist in carrying the cross. It was a black man named Simon. The Cyrenian was forced to pick up the cross with Jesus was absorbing the streaming blood pouring out of the Savior’s body. What an image. What a set up.

Imagine you were in a crowd attempting to see what was going only to be pushed into the scene without justification and cause. Treated as a person who was supposed to be an afterthought because the focus was on the execution of an enemy of the state. It could have been anyone. It could have been another. However, a black man was chosen to bear burden and injustice to a place that would usher in redemption and hope.

To deny who I am in the name of a “cleaner, more sanitized” Gospel is to remove the power of suffering, redemption, and victory is the name of cheap grace and empty salvation. The price for years has been too high for the souls of people. The cost remains astronomical for the redemption of the lost. I understand that price that was paid for the freedom of my mind, heart, and soul. I can not allow any thought or incomplete perspective take away that value because they don’t want any blood on their worldview.

I believe in the opportunity for the liberation of all people spiritually. I also believe that a complete understanding of Christ will liberate the minds and souls of those longing for chains to be broken. I believe that the zeal that I possess for systematic bigotry and oppression to be broken is based on the blood on my life. I recognize that current suffering ultimately brings redemption, but it also informs my desire to see that suffering should be the last resort for freedom also.

The blood shocks my blackness to teach my son about the beauty of his heritage and power of his DNA. My blackness informs my self-esteem to never accept the denigration of my existence to make anyone feel superior. It also informs my ability to make people feel the truest sense of community. I am proud to be a Black man who (to borrow from Howard Thurman) follows the religion of Jesus.

For those who feel the necessity to tone down in order make others comfortable, allow me to reintroduce you to the Scripture that informs you of your choice as being “sinful”.

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them. –Psalm 139:13-16

Everyone in the world takes pride in who they are. Some people do not do it in the name of God at all. However, take a moment to look at yourself. Remember that the Creator took time to make every attribute of who you are. Yes, society will continue to try and strip you of your value. Nevertheless, you are called to embrace your uniqueness in spite of incomplete understanding. You are not obligated to make others feel better by making yourself feel worse. That idea is abusive. Know the blood has marked you. Know that the Creator made you. Know that you are a gift to the world.

The most difficult thing a person can do is reflect on moments that were not the best. It causes us to have to get honest about the reality of our strengths, weaknesses, failings, triumphs, and lessons. I have to admit that years ago my theology informed me that the best way to handle mental and emotional hurt was through diligence and suppression.

For years, the culture around never supported the idea of working through my emotional baggage and pain. “Fake it until you make it”. “You will always be leading while bleeding”. “Depression is a demon”. I learn over time that my life, behavior, struggles, and challenges were finally becoming way to big to handle alone. While waiting on God to rescue me from my pain with a touch, a word, or an instant moment, the weight increased. I couldn’t take anymore.

While I was living in Springfield, IL, I experienced so many changes in my life. I was serving in a church that had extreme potential. I was a new father and trying to grow as a husband. Yet, I was finding myself at moments feeling the walls closing in. I kept hearing people grumble about everything. I watched people criticize my wife for not being the “typical First Lady”. Every move I made was judged. My desire to serve God in a unique way was called trash.

I was in a complete funk. I was preaching through it. I was teaching through it. I gained a doctorate through it. However, I had no outlet. I had no one to trust outside of my wife. She was going through so much hurt and anger that I felt I couldn’t tell her I was dying inside. I was trying to reach out to anyone that would listen, but no one would hear me.

I became more and more isolated. Who wanted to hear my problems? Who wanted to be concerned with my feelings? It was a waste of time to tell people that cared about me that I was tired and hurting. All I heard in my head was, “you are going to be fine; you are being to dramatic; you don’t have enough faith.” I kept believing that the lies. I kept seeing the truth of others. I saw people who looked my family in the eye and said they would look out for me, run me down in public.

My wife was right, “Jesus died for the people you don’t have to.” Yet, I was ready to go because I felt like the worst type of failure. I wasn’t accomplishing the mission that God planted in me. I was not being a good husband. I tried to lean on others rather than my partner in life. I was not being a good father. I was not giving my all to CJ. I was giving leftovers.

My desire to make everyone come together caused me to deny my uniqueness, divinity, and purpose. I began to subject my surroundings to a false view of who I thought I was supposed to be. I was trying to be this stereotypical pastor. I was trying to hold on for dear life to maintain. I was dying.

One Tuesday afternoon at the dining room table, I sat at the head of the table with a pen and paper. I was hearing the thoughts in my head. “Now I got you. I didn’t get you at 14. I didn’t get you at 30. Oh, but you won’t get through this. You are going to lose it all anyway. You are better off dead.” So I began to write. I was going to tell Myrissa that I was sorry for how I failed as a man. I was going to tell her that I was better off to her in a box. I was going to tell CJ that I loved him enough to not be around as a broken man. I never wanted my son to ever see his hero with kryptonite.

Something in me really didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to die. However, I felt that it was the only option. The fight was on. My last ditch effort was calling anyone to convince me not to give up. I ran down my list of close brothers. It’s only a few. I just called until I ran out of options. I called. I left messages. Nobody was picking up. There I sat. Trying to figure out how to end everything without making a mess. I wanted to found at least peaceful. Then the phone rang….

Jonathan picked up the phone. He listened to the voicemail. He called. He didn’t give me a speech about me going to hell for the thoughts of suicide. He didn’t call me demon possessed for being depressed. My brother let me pour out my soul. I never got the opportunity to ever have a no judgment zone to pour out my anguish. In that moment, my world stopped and depression and suicide had to retreat.

When Myrissa came home and saw me on the side of the bed, I couldn’t form my words to tell her what transpired while she and the baby were away from me. She then saw the letter that I left on the table. She wept uncontrollably. She sat with me and made sure that I got the help I needed to reset. My pain became real. It was now at the forefront. Even though my life did not end that day, I did die.

For the first time in my life, I had to choose. Was I going to live for the first time ever, or would I continue to let the walls close in without a real chance for healing? It was time to live. It was time to change the structure of my existence. I needed to finally assess my circle. I needed to prioritize and finally live the abundant life God promised me. I could no longer subscribe to the theology of the anointed but rejecting help. I could no longer align myself with individuals that perceived weakness in confessing mental and emotional health challenges. It was time to have Jesus “spit on my eyes” and give me a second touch.

This defining moment is the reason why I have completely changed my approach to ministry and life. I can no longer engage in conversation with people that reduce God’s movement of healing and deliverance to one method. I cannot take people serious who have a theology that passes the issues of people to a hotline. I cannot embrace a thought pattern that is willing to crucify pastors, leaders, and parishioners in parking lots through gossip, yet attempt to absolve their willing role in the assassination of character and personality.

The game has changed. I am living in a way that I never have before. The moment I “got my life”, I finally was able to begin processing my emotions, my challenges, my baggage. I realize that I was living for too many entities and not for the people and God who loved me best. I have detached from people who have meant me nothing but harm. I have recognized the people that were good to me as long as the blessing train flowed. I saw the people that only cared enough to call or reach me when they needed me.

I know clearly more than ever that being known does not mean everyone cares. I no longer bleed in public. I recognize that this season of my life is to use my witness and story as an opportunity to tell others a few facts. God made you special for this time in life. You have a destiny and a purpose. Everyone can’t go with you. Everyone is not meant to embrace you.

However, you are the most important vessel to your world. If you are not well, you can’t help anyone. If you cannot experience grace that God offers, you will not witness healing that you may need. God is ready to deliver and give you life, but you can receive it from counseling, safe spaces,, and healthy outlets. You are necessary even when life tries to tell you otherwise.

Take it from me. I still cry thinking about how close I was to others who completed the work of ending their lives. I do not judge them. I understand all too well. I recognize the pressure. I believe that the burden was heavier than could be imagined. So, I share with you today this final thought. If you have any idea that anyone you love is struggling, don’t give them a number to call. Do not dismiss their pain as just an emotional response. Listen. Hear. Embrace. Love on them. You might be the conduit to a resurrection.

My Prayer

God help me to reach the one. God use me as a conduit to help others truly live. Help me to affirm the humanity of my brother and sister in joy and struggle. Help me see them for who they are and not what life attempts to tell them. God help me to share every element of your healing that you offer. Amen